Sometimes I feel totally unequipped to deal with the ugly parts of life....conflict, sadness, anger. I wonder how to repair the missing steps on the ladder of my emotional development.
Understanding emotions is what you learn as a child, unless your Mom doesn't show much emotion. I can count on one hand how many times I have seen my Mom cry or really angry. She pushed it way, way down because that is what she learned from her parents. If you don't talk about it then it will go away. Only it doesn't. So I have been struggling to figure it out on my own as an adult.
You aren't a good girl if you don't accept what others say with a smile. You are seen as "crazy" and "irrational" and the "one who is itchin' for a fight." Unfortunately no one will say any of that to you face because we were never taught how to face it head on, no emotion and in a calm manner. We were only taught to keep it in and push it down until one day we blow up and bring up things from 20 years ago. Things that were never discussed. This fosters resentment and hard feelings that quite possibly will never get resolved.
I try to teach my sons how to express what they are feeling but it is challenging. especially because sometimes we aren't sure what we are feeling. Why are we really mad at the situation?
I feel like typically I am a relatively calm and forgiving person, and yet I am unable to maintain this with my siblings. Is it the history? Is it because we are such a large family that it is hard to find a place to fit in? I don't know. It's both sad, angry and frustrating.
Therapy session ended.
There was lots of yelling in my house growing up, so guess what I do best when under pressure? It's not fair to be saddled with that kind of baggage, but we just have to do our best to let go and move on. Personally, I think you are awesome!
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I think you are awesome too.
ReplyDelete